Wednesday, April 18, 2007


Let's make a pact, in our next lives let’s try harder to find each other much before we did in this life, it would save us a lot of precious time.

That's the only thing that I remember about that night. Neither the pain in my chest, nor the look of betrayal on her face.
Nothing else.

48 hours back I was working in a bank as a manager.
My job, boring & repetitive was approving home loans for people.
I had been working there for the last 2 years. Took no leave, no vacations. Gave everything to my job. I couldn’t afford not to.
Especially from the kind of background I was coming from. It was like a dream come true for me. I was doing good, but I was still unsatisfied. I wanted something more, something else, but I had no idea what that was.

I was getting married next Sunday, that’s 3 days from now. My girlfriend of 2 yrs & I were finally doing it after 2 years of courtship.
A mutual friend of ours had introduced us and we literally hit it "like a house on fire".

They say your whole life flashes in front of your eyes when you are dying.
However, in my case only the last 2 days flashed in front of me.


Like any normal person I hated Mondays, but not as much as this Monday.
I got fired from my job. The job that meant everything to me & yet nothing.
I had approved a loan of a considerable high amount, & the borrower had defaulted.
Some one had to be the scapegoat & in this case it was me. My signature of approval was there on the papers.

The worst day of my life.

Especially because I had an extra special date with April in a restaurant she had been talking about for a month.
She had got a reservation over there after 2 weeks.
Knowing me April had made an entry in my organizer about the dinner.
She knows me well, she knew me well.
I had nothing to do. Watched a crappy movie at an obscure theatre, grabbed a couple of drinks in a pub nearby & started for the restaurant, with a migraine of course.

d table was full o empty dishes when I reached d place.
d waiter, a guy in his 40's asked april "sum dessert ma'am???"""
i told him "no thnk u just kleen d table" shheeeesh........
how dumb can u b???
v just arrived, just sat on a table & instead of kleenin d table u ask me if i need sum dessert???
i'll make it a point 2 complain bout u.

& then ik saw aprils face. her i's were red & swelled up.
she was lukin at me. did she find out????did she know bout me???

april had never bn a quite girl. but i cud sense she was holding herself.
she does know. i m sure.

"how cud u do dis 2 me?, i trusted u, u used me, how cud u?" blah blah blah....... GOTTA WORK ON DA BREAK UP

Life cud’nt b better. B it fired from a job, & ur luv dumpin u.

I was broken. Had no idea wat 2 do. I pawned my rolex for a gun.
A .45 caliber Israeli made hand gun.

I hired a room at paradise inn.
Two vodkas down.
Knock knock.
“Hi I m viollette, hows life?
“june sent me, he asked me 2 cheer u up.”
“june, huh”

I was’nt in d mood for nythng.. june knew better.
She was cute. I asked her if she had a bf?
She said yes.
I said” wat if ur bf was fuckin sum oder chick at d same time as u were wid me.
She luked at me wid glazed I’s and said wat else?
I’d just lick d oder woman’s tit.
Just cuz he’s fukin sum 1, does’nt mean he luvs her.
Then she asked me bout d burn on my face.

I was 16, a frend o mine was tryin 2 siphon petrol outta my dad’s car.
He got 2 much o fuel in his mouth & he spitted it out.
Spitted it out on me, I was holdin a cigarette in my hand.
D car blew, d whole neighbourhood cud hear it.
I was burnin & my dad, he came out & beat me till d fire brigade were on d spot.
I never saw my family from dat day onwards.

I was wastin my life away. Drugs, alcohol, I had no bearing.
Then, I saw a guy, in a crisp suit, he was goin sumwhere. He was goin 2 work..
That was it. I’d had ennuff. I spent my entire money o n a suit.
Made up a fake resume. And I was in. I got d job. My ‘dream job’
& then this happened. I was fired & I was dumped.

I walked all nite. well most of d nite wich was left
I was thinking that apartment belonged to me, why was I the one who was out on the roads. It should be her, she should be out. But I loved her, I’d hurt her. She deserves this much at least.

I wanted to kill myself. But how? Poison, jump, cutting my veins etc etc.
I took a cab over to the bridge, gave the cabbie a 100 , way to much over the fare.
I did’nt need any money now. With sheer determination and focus I climbed over the railing & readied myself. I saw the silent dark depthless river in front of me. Just flowing, never stoping, swallowing everything in its path. I could”nt do it, all of my determination just puffed away. LOSER DROWNS HIMSELF IN BROOKLYN RIVER.
That would be the 8th page news in the paper. Blaming everything on me. Ya. I was d loser who got fired from his job & blown off by his fiancé in one day. He could”nt take this much o failures in his life & under the pressure he killed himself.

But, y get killed if u can get urself immortalized, Like a hero.
The root of all d problems, septic. He was d 1 who fired me. Y don’t I hit him back.
I’ll get my nirvana, I’ll kill septic wid my gun n d cops will shoot me, thinking dat I was robbin d bank. Now dats d way 2 die. From page no 8 to page no 2. & who knows if I m luky I mite make it 2 page 1.

That was d best idea I ever had. I climbed bak d railing & stepped bak on d gravel.
I felt so relieved now, I had a mission at last, a purpose. My boss. He was the one, he was d one who ruined my life, he was d 1 who deserves 2 die.

I went bak 2 d motel, now dat I had a purpose. It was 4 AM wen I reached bak. Only 5 more hrs till d bank opens.
I slept like I had never slept before. Ironicaly those 5 hrs were d first & last hrs of sleep I ever had in my life.
I fixed d alrm at 8.30, just 4 hrs bak d alarm was at 7.00.
D alarm rang & I got up like a jack out o d box. I fixed my shirt, adjusted my gun & off I was. D last ride. I styepped out of d taxi & looked at doors I had bn walkin in thru d last 3 yrs. One last luk. Everybody in d bank acted like they had”nt herd bout my firing.
Excellent I had bn working there for d last 3 yrs, I thot I had sum gud frends here. Well, ur loss. FUCK U. I used my I card 2 get in 2 d ofiice area. I’d always wanted 2 p on my boss’s desk. & 2day was day. I opened d door 2 his cubicle & I was in d cubicle dat I deserved. A big office wid faincy paintings, n end o d line laptop sittin on a big wooden desk, a bathroom etc etc.
There was no one here, I wished d boss was here so I cud shoot him in d head twice, wait awhile & then d cops wud take me away. That wud most definitely b page 1 news. Everybody who reads d paper wud know bout me. Pleading insanity wud just add fuel 2 d fire.
But there was no 1 there. I tuk out d pistol & did wat I always wanted 2. I climbed my boss’s desk & let myself loose, I peed. I had bn savin it for d last 3 hrs. I did’nt go 2 d pathroom wen I woke up. I had bn savin myself, just for this moment. I sprayed like a hose, wetting each & everything wich came in “d range”. D bathroom door opened & there was my boss, shocked at c”in me standing on his desk & doin wat I was doin.
I was waiting for him. D very moment he jumped 2 open d door 2 get out I jumped upon him. His hand was on d lock, I grabbed his hand & twisted it. He gave out a shriek. I had bn waitin for dat sound for 2 yrs now. Now dat he had my attention I whipped out my pistol & shoved it in his face. Realising d gravity he gave in 2 me.
Then he started laffin. He said I was loser, & it was d most pathetic act he had ever cn. I hate b”in called a loser & dat 2 from sum 1 like him. I hit him with all my force on his head wid d gun. His head started 2 bleed like


No comments: